


On my own — LiveJournal

by liptoneV



Category: BTOB, K-pop
Genre: College AU, Cuddling, Fluff, M/M, Ratings: G
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:54:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26165221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liptoneV/pseuds/liptoneV
Summary: Import from my old LJ account for archival purposes. This was originally posted July 4th 2015.
Relationships: Jung Ilhoon/Seo Eunkwang
Kudos: 7





	On my own — LiveJournal

**Author's Note:**

> Import from my old LJ account for archival purposes. This was originally posted July 4th 2015.

Pairing: Eunkwang/Ilhoon  
Genre: college!au  
Rating: G  
WC:1288  
a/n: Theres a song mentioned about halfway in, [here for easy listening](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQnJ4mIfT0c)

Despite it being one of the hottest nights of the summer, Ilhoon wrapped his arms around a might-as-well-be-nude Eunkwang and pulled him in tighter. The extra body heat made him break out in a newer layer of sweat but it was a small price to pay, he felt. There were nights that were hard to get through alone, nights where he felt especially lonely and afraid. The feeling of fear was usually a general all around type of feeling, never fixated on a single thing, person or lack thereof. The fear paralyzed him at times, locked him inside his own head where his thoughts spiraled out of control. And on those nights it felt nice to have someone nearby, and usually this someone was Eunkwang.

It was easier to joke around with Eunkwang, to lose his head a bit and not think about being the adult he was supposed to be. For minutes or hours at a time Ilhoon felt like a blissfully ignorant child, the both of them laughing over the silliest and simplest of things. And this laugh would lead into other laughs, deeper laughs, laughter that made him howl and cry--God-- how refreshing that felt.

This time he called Eunkwang over around midnight, unable to sleep due to the heat and the fact that he ate an entire bag of sour gummy worms just 20 minutes before.

"why did you do that?" Eunkwang laughed into the receiver.

Ilhoon shrugged fully aware Eunkwang couldn't see his motions, "I dunno, I just felt like it,"

"Well just cause you felt like it doesn't mean you should,"  
" says the man who bought a bong just because he could--"  
"Well hey now it's--"  
" do you even use it..."  
The line was silent for a while, Ilhoon cracked a smile when he heard the other man say and mumble, "...no but it looks pretty..."

"I really don't understand what drove you to buy it when you basically use it as a paper weight."  
" I do not!" Eunkwang sounded a tad bit out of breath, " Besides Minhyuk uses it it's not a total waste of money...Is your door unlocked?"

Ilhoon stood up, walked to his door to unlock it and walked back to his room, "Now it is, just...lock it when you come in obviously, I'm in bed."

"Of course you are" and the line went dead.

He was too good to him, Ilhoon thought as he watched the other man strip himself of his jacket and shoes and climb into bed with him. He always came whenever Ilhoon called, whether he just wanted someone to get drunk with, silent company or on nights like this. And Ilhoon felt it unhealthy, his attachment to him, he was too dependent and Eunkwang....Eunkwang a little too devoted.

Ilhoon felt the pit of his stomach churn and flip as he watched Eunkwang sit up, he explained that he needed to take his shirt off, too many layers and the added body heat was too much for him. Ilhoon was fine with this but also, now, as Eunkwang laid back down again, his chin resting in Ilhoons hair--he felt it was another mistake.

"Why do you wear so much fucking cologne--God--" he whined, bringing a hand up in the small space between his nose and eunkwangs loose (and all too useless) muscle shirt.

"Did I really put on too much? I put in my usual amount and--"

"your usual amount is also too much; you always stink."

Eunkwang laughed and let the remark slide.

They laid still for some time, Eunkwang with a hand idly playing with a few strands of Ilhoons hair and Ilhoon...trying not to stare the mans nipples.

"Why did you even wear this shirt," he tried to pull the shirt material up, trying to tuck it into his friends armpit but the fabric kept falling and Ilhoon accepted defeat, " you don't even work out, your arms are just as buff as mine,"

"What are you talking about? I have plenty of muscles." He complained.  
“Where."  
“In here," Eunkwang pointed to his head with his free hand, "The mind is the strongest muscle-AH!"

Ilhoon had pinched his stomach and laughed, "You're such a nerd.."

They fell back into silence, Eunkwang humming a tune Ilhoon had never heard of before. It was a nice tune, catchy though it was slow and making his lids heavy. He had a knack for lulling Ilhoon to sleep, through song or through a long winded, extremely passionate explanation of a musical Ilhoon had no intention of ever watching. (Which is a bald faced lie, as he rented out a Les Miserables DVD the day after Eunkwang had sung a number from the musical, then immediately after fawning over the said number. All he remembered of that moment was Eunkwang describing it as a love song, unrequited love, and then the familiar terribly heavy feeling in his stomach as his friend sang, _'I love him, but only on my own...'_ )

While the moment was nice, Ilhoon’s curiosity got the better of him, “Why do you come over ?”

Eunkwangs answer was late, though it felt it was from him just about to fall asleep rather than lack of an answer.

"Because you needed me here." He said a matter-of-factly.

"I always give you a choice though, to come or not."

He was silent again, Ilhoon could feel him weighing out his next sentence, "... would you rather me not be here?"

"Well, no but--"  
"If me being here helps you feel better then I would very much rather be here than anywhere else,"  
Ilhoon scoffed and played with the hem of eunkwangs shirt, suddenly feeling shy, "That's awfully sappy..."

"Is it?" Eunkwang yawned, " you know minhyuk said the same thing, he called me cheesy,"

"Well he wasn't lying." Ilhoon could feel himself drifting off to sleep fast. Eunkwangs fingers still in his hair, stroking and combing through was more relaxing than he had thought. He moved in closer, his face buried in the small mans chest embarrassed at what he wanted to say next. He said it over and over in his head, the day before this, the week before this rehearsing the exact moment but never did the phrase feel so heavy on his tongue before this moment.

He waited another moment, until eunkwangs breathing slowed, until he was sure his friend was drifting into a deep sleep, until he was at a point where anything that happened next could easily be passed off as a dream. He however, with his heart beating a beat too fast, the blood rushing to his face a the mere thought of what he was about to say, blurted it out.

"I love you."

The words felt grosser and twice as heavy as soon as they hit the air. Ilhoon immediately wanted to take it back. He meant the words, he meant the feeling but Eunkwangs hand--the hand that was stroking and combing through his hair so nicely--stopped abruptly and for a second everything felt like it was falling apart.  
Ilhoon didn't breathe, he couldn't, not with his face pressed into Eunkwangs chest (and heavily deodorized armpit). The words hung in the air far too long with no awknowledgement for his taste, he wanted to grab the phrase and stuff it back in his throat, keep it to himself as his own sad but happy little secret.

And he nearly did take it back, but then there were fingers in his hair again, soothing and careful.

Eunkwangs voice was tired and weary and hearing it made Ilhoon want to break, " I love you too,"


End file.
